On Counseling

In chapter two of Finding Elizabeth, I am four years old and I am molested for the first time, go to camp for the first time, tell my mom my first bad word, and I am left home alone for the first time.

I don’t know how I feel about this. It just is. These events helped shape me, and I am good with how I am now. My life is peaceful in large part, and who doesn’t want peace? Thrills and excitement can be overrated, I think.

I am good with how I turned out, how my life emerged out of the wreckage of my childhood. I seemed to have turned it all around. Largely on the other side of it now, I look at how far I’ve come and I am amazed.

That’s not to say that I don’t face challenges, because I do. I suffer from several physical and mental health conditions. Some I was born with, and others developed over time.

It’s taken years and years and years of counseling to work through it all. I’ve been in counseling of one form or another for most of the last thirty-six years, in both individual and group counseling. Each counselor was good in his or her own way. I didn’t buy into one counselor, my fifth one in three years by the age of sixteen. I was working full time, on the verge of starting college full time, and moving out on my own into the college dorms. All my energy was focused into that singular goal. In counseling, I settled for participating in a group with kids who survived trauma once per week. I resented this counselor, of taking the time to meet with her each week. I had places to go and people to meet and a whole person to become. I refused to fit her into this equation.

About a year later, safely in college and enmeshed in my new life, I started seeing a counselor that I will always think of as the best for me. I met with Gil Acosta in one form or another for over thirteen years. I did talk therapy with Gil for several years and then we moved into breathwork. Talking, for me, is my first love in terms of counseling. There’s just something about saying those thoughts (that I’ve mulled over for a week) out loud that helps me to realize things that I’ve never thought of before. I believe that good counseling helps you figure out the answers yourself, just as any good teacher would do with his/her student.

In breathwork, I laid on the floor and worked with my breath and anything that came up during the session. In childhood, I left my body often in response to trauma. The breathwork helped me learn how to stay in my body.

I did bodywork with Gil and his wife, Kay Kosko, who was in practice with him. The bodywork started out with Kay and involved massage. The theory is that emotions are stored in the body at pressure points. As the points are worked out, the emotions release. This involves a lot of tears and crying out, as well as the emergence of memories. I was a full believer after my first session with Kay. I have fibromyalgia so I have a great many pressure points.

I also attended a group, which Kay facilitated, for adult survivors of sexual abuse. Then the couple started facilitating workshops in their home that lasted a full day. I felt that I evolved as the counseling did, every step of the way.

Along the way, I had both a long-term boyfriend and a husband. Both relationships ended within a few years. Before they played their course, we had couples counseling with Gil.

About ten years into working with Gil, all my memories of childhood sexual abuse emerged into consciousness and lined up in chronological order. This was a huge breakthrough. I wrote my first version of my book at that time, more than twenty years ago. It was cathartic, to say the least.

I didn’t pursue publishing my book at that time because I felt that it was so negative. How could I put that into the world? I couldn’t then. The difference now is that with time and perspective, I feel like I’ve turned it around, and I’ve written about that, too.

In thirty-six years, I’ve had nine counselors and four psychiatrists. All have been good in their own way. All have served their purpose in my life, and have helped my purpose to emerge triumphant and ready to share with you.

If you’re considering counseling but you haven’t made the move, I highly recommend it. Counseling really helps to put your life in perspective. The key is to find the right counselor for you. First, should it be a man or a woman? I’ve had both. What is their approach and will that approach work for you? I’ve had many different approaches in counseling. I’ve done IFS, mindfulness, bodywork, breathwork, and good old talk therapy. IFS (Internal Family Systems) is great for working with trauma. Mindfulness is a great form of cognitive therapy. Bodywork is great all around, and so is breathwork. Which will work best for you? Do your research and put some thought into it. That way you will help find out what is best for you.

I’m not an expert in anything but my own life, and even there I falter frequently. I don’t hold myself to be an expert in counseling. I’ve only shared here what I’ve experienced. I do recommend counseling, based on my own successes with it. I hope you find this useful.

#Counseling