On Not Telling, Disassociation, and a Lil More on Counseling

Chapter Six opens at Trojan Ranch when I am ten. We go on some long hikes, which I enjoy immensely. One of those hikes is from Gold Hill, CO to Boulder, CO, and runs eleven miles. On that hike, I get a surprise visit. The camp goes on a weekend trip to Estes Park, where I see my first movie without my parents. Back at camp, my cabin makes our own movie which is shown on movie night, to my embarrassment, but the camp seems to like it. An older boy makes fun of me soon after movie night and I retaliate.

Back at home, my cousins come for a visit from Chatsworth, CA. I am my best friend Vito’s guest to his family reunion, where I learn more about his culture. My mother takes me to a work event on a ranch in the country, where I get into a bit of trouble. My grandmother, my mother’s mother, comes to stay for a time when she is very ill. I am made to help her to and from the bathroom.

During the school year, I join Brownies, though I am too big for the uniform. My mother is attentive when I am ill. My father continues to molest me.

One night my father falls asleep in my bed when I am in it. I crawl out of my bed and climb up to the top bunk, but I can’t sleep. He is too close. In the morning, he is still sleeping in my bed and my mother sees him there. She thinks it’s cute.

That was my chance to tell my mother that my father was molesting me, but I didn’t do it. I was afraid to. I was afraid that he would turn Mean on the both of us, and then God only knew what was going to happen. I kept it all inside until I was ready to scream. I stuffed it all down, deep inside myself, until even I didn’t realize what was really going on most of the time.

When my father came into my room at night, I pretended to be asleep. I was afraid of what would happen if he knew that I was awake. I left my body when he was touching me to observe in a high corner of my bedroom. Later I would learn that this was disassociation. It was a coping mechanism. I would record what happened and store it away for future reference.

The disassociation became automatic. Anytime I experienced trauma, I left my body and pushed the record button. When I realized this later in counseling with Gil, I worked on staying in my body. I learned to recognize when it was about to happen. The first sign for me is tingling in my lips. The first time I experienced was when I was four and I was molested by that family friend and his friend. If the tingling started, and I let it go unchecked, it would spread throughout my entire body, from the top down. With Gil, I learned to breathe into it and bring myself back into my body. This was a slow and gentle process that evolved over time.

After 36 years of working on it, I now can stay in my body. I can remember everything that ever happened to me, all at once, without freaking out. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, for sure, but I have mad skills to work with it all now.

I don’t want people reading this to get discouraged from seeking help with their issues when I say that it took me more than thirty years to work through my stuff. I have a lot of it. Stuff, that is. Things that I “stuffed” down way deep inside so I didn’t have to deal with them.

The one best thing I would say about counseling is that you have to be able to trust your counselor enough to tell him/her the truth about yourself. If you don’t tell the truth, he/she can’t help you. I started with the small stuff and worked my way up. This was what worked the best way for me. It took me some time before I trusted the people working with me and the process of counseling.

Anything worth doing is worth the time and the effort it takes to do it right. What’s right for you may be different than what’s right for me. I highly recommend taking the time to figure out what works best for you. You are worth it.